She thinks I'm different from other moms who gathered at a small hall in the afternoon for her music campus' String Festival today. My 11-year-old daughter May, must have seen me standing there, looking like an emotion-less wood log.
May kept that observation till before the bedtime, she asked: "Have you ever felt proud of me like other kids' moms?" I stayed cool. (In my mind, I said - well, another victim of my hidden emotion character is found under my roof!). She just didn't know how I felt seeing her standing there joining the little violin band. Of course, I wasn't floating with pride but I did feel great.
However, I couldn't concentrate much on music as I entered the room quite late. Standing at the back of the room (well, my usual spot), I was revieved for seconds to see the band hadn't started. Then I felt guilty as I knew that she could try to find me somewhere before I made my entry. So I had to pull out my camera and tried to take photo from far away position. Busy with that and suddenly I thought why didn't I try to shoot the video. I switched to the video after that two lousy shots, and ....I was such a loser. My memory card was full after I didn't complete record the song (and her band played only two songs!!). I should have had cleared the card before ...(this is so me...an unorganised mom).
At least I made it known to May that I brought camera as I backed my car outside the gate, I told her to go and get the camera. "Why do you wanna take photo?" May asked me. But I insisted that I wanted to and she ran for it. She is big enough to learn that if it's not special thing for me, I wouldn't want to bother carrying the camera.
Deep in my heart, I am always proud of her. She is not genius, an average at music school and her primary school but she is a happy child. That is enough for me.
A reward of my life is when people come and compliment that she is very active, cheerful, and happy child. What should I ask more for her as a single mom.
Raising her alone, my priority is nothing but her happiness. But I can't help it that I don't show my real "inner" self much. But I'm positive that one day when she grows up enough, she will look back and realise how much I love her - just like I did when my mom passed away. I only recalled how wonderful she was as my mom. There was no sweet words or any praise but the way she was my great pal just proved that she was a great mom. I'd love to be one but perhaps I've got to put more effort.
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