Whine Me

Looking into divinity in love

2006-12-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

Is there any religion where love is concerned? I had never thought of this question until recently when we – three women – had a gal chat. We have many things in common. We had boyfriends, had broken up with them and married. But more importantly, we were born Buddhists and assume we still are.
Yet, I discovered we shared another trait: We had so little to believe in, except the beliefs to which we had given shape in our search for solace.
Love and relations seem easier if we explain them using religious concepts. If we were born Christian or Muslim, we could say that tragic or unrequited love was God’s will, and seek comfort in God, praise God and eventually give God all our love.
A close male friend told me he prayed to God for a chance to marry the love of his life, but ended up eventually tying the knot with another woman. I expect his thinking went more or less like this: It’s God’s will. Or that had God sent him the bride.
It’s easier if we humans can relate our love life to God, isn’t it?
But Buddhists are taught about the circle of life, which is the fall-out of good and bad karma. If we experience an unhappy marriage, we are taught to assume that we probably have some bad karma on our account sheet, either in this life or in a past one.
My friends, however, have never tried to relate love and relations with any facet of Buddhism, even though there are some relevant precepts. Are we sinners? I don’t know.
My friend, who separated from her husband after five years of marriage, met a fellow who flirted and acted as if he was all for her. Later, he told her that he didn’t mean to be anything more than a close friend. When he revealed his true self, she shrugged and told herself: “Why care for such a jerk?” And then she erased him from her list of friends.
Never did I hear my friend blaming it on her bad karma. During her time of frustration, she worked with underprivileged people and found happiness and peace through it. “Why waste my time while I can feel happy with those smiles,” she explained.
Those underprivileged people were the path to a peaceful mind for her. Their smiles were like a reward for her being good as far as my friend’s very own religion was concerned.
The other friend of mine is still married, but is in love with another man. No, she doesn’t want a divorce. She just wants to free her mind and find out what the crush will lead to. She has been a good Buddhist as long as I have known her, but her new religion is to follow her heart. Nothing else matters. She now worships her new love.
After listening to them, I examined myself. There are times when I too feel low. Despite the temptation to do crazy things like I used to when I was young, I always hold back. How can I do something silly when I have the greatest love with me?
I once told my friends, “I used to think of some crazy and stupid thing to do but my daughter holds me back.”
Doesn’t that make her as great as God in my life? My love for her rescues me from time to time. I just can’t do anything that harms me because it’ll only make my little God miserable.
Maybe God is omnipresent, and maybe being able to spot him depends on how you look at things. When sorrow and suffering knocks at your door, you realise that you’re tied to a religion.
As for me, God is great and I love my little God.
......................
this writing is inspired by the three persons i love - my two best friends and my duaghter. I was thinking about writing it one night in my bed. It has been published in an English newspaper in 2005. I still like the piece not because of my writing but it is a meaningful one. My friends and my little one are those who make my life a life. They are still doing a pretty good jobs.

"Free day": once in a blue moon

2006-12-10T10:45:00.000-08:00

It was a rare Saturday that I didn’t have to follow my daughter to her music school. This Saturday reminded me of same old Saturday as I used to have.
At the first thought, it was like...wow.. a golden chance to enjoy a very brief "free" life. But wait a minute…what shall I do? I thought about it and decided to do something to kill the whole day. Well, the night time was sure to taken care of thanks to live football broadcast.
Finally, I found a way to kill time, deciding to go into the city and spent the whole day in a hair salon with my best girl friend who also agreed to have her hair done by my hair dresser for the first time.
I told her that an advantage of having the kid is that one needs not think about how to spend your holidays. “You just go with the flow. Really…," I told her. I just realised that during the few years my Saturday has been really the same: I wake up and get ready for taking my daughter to her music school located in a suburb mall. We have lunch (of course, following her choice of foods), and then go home. Then I head home and finish my Saturday with live football broadcast.
Thanks goodness my best friend didn't tell me to go "get a life". That will be pretty sad to hear because this (the whole repeated Saturday) is really my "life", at least for now.
To look at the world on a brighter side, having a kid is great. You always have something to do on holidays and you don't even have to think about the plan much.
Darker side? Well, I need a few hours to finish it.

The art of suffering

2006-12-03T09:46:00.000-08:00

I've read about this Mexican artist Frida Kahlo and planned to watch the movie Frida starring Salma Hayek (2002). The artist's real life was so dramatic that I didn't expect any film studio to do an equivalent version of a "reel life". And I guess I am right. Yet at least the film, with its stunning visions and acting, could shorten time for one enthusiast to look into someone's life - a recommended way for all lazybones.

Love many lines from the films. There are truthful statements of life, pains, marriages, and relations. One must watch to see if I am exaggerating here.

At the end of the film, I have two questions;

1) If suffering creates better artworks? Gee....I don't know much about art but I've got to find out and see some artists whose works are driven by happiness.

2) So what is more painful between physical and emotional?

The movie may suggest it as Frida says: "I had two big accidents in my life Diego, the trolley and you... You are by far the worse." But both pains from her husband and physical conditions contribute to her excellent works.

As for us, non-artists, what is more suffering between a bad company or an aling health?

I don't know but I guess Frida had been suffering throughout her life and that was shy she wrote: "I hope the exit is joyful and I hope never to return"- so sad, isn't it?

A lesson learnt from riding a bus

2006-12-02T10:20:00.000-08:00

I don't recall when was the last time I was on a bus. But today I decided that I would ride a bus on the way back from a car service centre. The bus stop was empty and its shelter was nice and shady enough. All seats were empty. Everything was perfect except that I couldn't sit down just because all the cutouts and adverts blocked all the views and I wouldn't know if a bus arrived. So I ended up standing in the sun and paid all attentions to any bus that would come.

But I did learn a great deal from my decision.

1. Any bus in Bangkok is still the same. If you don't wave, a bus won't stop for you except when someone wants to get down.

2. The bus shelter, despite its modern look, is still useless.

3. The bus fare has kept rising and the minimum air-conditioned bus fare is now Bt12 (about 0.35 US dollar). Last time I took was Bt6.

4. Riding a bus means you are stress free as you don't have to look out for die-hard motorcycle riders that comes from all around in mosquito-flying like directions.

At the fare I paid, I would say every baht is worth spending. Perhaps I should try riding the bus more often.

She doesn't know, still...

2006-11-25T06:31:00.000-08:00

She thinks I'm different from other moms who gathered at a small hall in the afternoon for her music campus' String Festival today. My 11-year-old daughter May, must have seen me standing there, looking like an emotion-less wood log.
May kept that observation till before the bedtime, she asked: "Have you ever felt proud of me like other kids' moms?" I stayed cool. (In my mind, I said - well, another victim of my hidden emotion character is found under my roof!). She just didn't know how I felt seeing her standing there joining the little violin band. Of course, I wasn't floating with pride but I did feel great.
However, I couldn't concentrate much on music as I entered the room quite late. Standing at the back of the room (well, my usual spot), I was revieved for seconds to see the band hadn't started. Then I felt guilty as I knew that she could try to find me somewhere before I made my entry. So I had to pull out my camera and tried to take photo from far away position. Busy with that and suddenly I thought why didn't I try to shoot the video. I switched to the video after that two lousy shots, and ....I was such a loser. My memory card was full after I didn't complete record the song (and her band played only two songs!!). I should have had cleared the card before ...(this is so me...an unorganised mom).
At least I made it known to May that I brought camera as I backed my car outside the gate, I told her to go and get the camera. "Why do you wanna take photo?" May asked me. But I insisted that I wanted to and she ran for it. She is big enough to learn that if it's not special thing for me, I wouldn't want to bother carrying the camera.
Deep in my heart, I am always proud of her. She is not genius, an average at music school and her primary school but she is a happy child. That is enough for me.
A reward of my life is when people come and compliment that she is very active, cheerful, and happy child. What should I ask more for her as a single mom.
Raising her alone, my priority is nothing but her happiness. But I can't help it that I don't show my real "inner" self much. But I'm positive that one day when she grows up enough, she will look back and realise how much I love her - just like I did when my mom passed away. I only recalled how wonderful she was as my mom. There was no sweet words or any praise but the way she was my great pal just proved that she was a great mom. I'd love to be one but perhaps I've got to put more effort.

Venus & Mars

2006-11-20T09:42:00.000-08:00

It is pretty common knowledge but I'd love to get it in writing again.

When a man says "yes", he doesn't want to argue any further(though he may be able to find points to make).

When a woman says "yes", she surely runs out of argument, period.

Today's lesson:

Perhaps as a woman, I should learn to say "yes" more :-)

Yesssssssss?

Bedtime Q & A

2006-11-19T08:50:00.001-08:00

Being a mom, you always have to answer questions (the younger they are, the more difficult questions you have got to explain). Every mom has experienced more or less questions like "how I come to this world?", "why everybody must die one day?", "am I going to die too?", and "will I have a baby if I fall in love?".
The last example is one of my daughter's questions that I use all my communications tactics to answer. But well, the answer has to carry some truths, if not the whole truth. Kids just have photo-copying memory and you wouldn't want your kid to grow up and learn weird things (So I won't make my gal believe she will get pregnant when she falls for a guy).
Tonight I talked to her before bedtime and it was our Q&A time again.
She asked a question that may make everyone laughs his head off - why didn't I become a model?.
"I think you can. Even though your boobs aren't that big, you can be a model. I notice many models have 'flat" breasts."She continued: "but well, now you're too old for that, huh? What a pity you don't do it when you were young. You've got everything- the look, shape, and good education."
Ummm...Thanks goodness, she told that to me without any third person otherwise I didn't know where to put my face. As much as you think your kid is good looking, she/he always sees you beautiful.
Then followed immediately after the compliment: "Mommy...why do you always have to watch football matches?""I don't watch all of them just my team," I said."But why do you have to watch your team every time they play?" she asked."Because it is my team and I want to see players I like."I thought that was the end of the Q&A session.Not yet..."Mommy...why do you have to call friends and talk footies? I started to feel suspicious."Huh? It was the time of mommy's strike-back."Well, it's pretty much the same as you always pick up the phone and call friends about the online games you are playing. But see, my dear, I've never asked why you have to phone them about games. So I guess you should not ask me either."
I'm sure I'm not the only mom on earth to have to end our Q&A session this way.

Eleven and wanna blog

2006-11-18T09:50:00.000-08:00

Guess what? My little one, yes that fast-growing 11-year-old gal of mine, wants to blog too. So I create a blog under her direction. Her blog is so cute and of course, her photo is much better looking than the aging Egyptian queen. I'll let you guys know what is she up to. I'm sure she will come out with a lot of words that will brighten your day.

Conversation behind the blog construction went like:

Little one: Mummy, can you make one for me too?

me: OK, let me figure out how this damn thing works.

Little one: You know, I made one recently but I didn't know how to put things in.

me: Yes. I know it is difficult. Let me study first, okay?

(Ha ha ...am too ashamed to tell her that my first blog died very young just because I couldn't do anything except picking design and putting one of my articles in. Worse, I couldn't remember which password I use...).

Anyway as the little one was running around, I asked her to sit down (well, as a mother you do have to ask politely and she may obey) and guide me on her preferable design.)She always has a better taste than me and this time it is no exception.As for wording, considering she is a kid in a "local" school (not international -read skyrocketing tuition fee- school), her writing is understandable.But you may not think so. Well, have you ever heard any mom saying her kid is very stupid or not cool?

Breaking the ice

2006-11-18T06:22:00.000-08:00

Hi there, Me? Whining? Yes, I guess everybody whines sometimes but why whining when you have so many things to do now on the cyberspace. That's why I take my time of whining and doing something here. You may hate my blog, and ideas in its but please don't hate me otherwise I will have to whine again....

:-) me, whining.